This Sunday sees Tottenham coach Clive Allen join the England Legends taking part in Nivea for Men’s Great Football Experiment this weekend. Clive and a team of fellow ex pros take on the might of Ivory FC, from the Brentwood Sunday Football League. I’ll be interviewing Clive and you can submit your questions for the Spurs legend by replying to this post.
Nivea’s England Legends team boasts nearly 200 caps between them, and is made up of the following ex pros:
• Ian Walker
• Luther Blissett
• Nigel Winterburn
• Mark Wright
• Viv Anderson
• Ray Parlour
• Clive Allen
• Paul Walsh
• Alvin Martin
• Tony Woodcock
• Rob Jones
The game takes place this Sunday at Dagenham & Redbridge’s Victoria Ground (2pm kick off), where Ivory FC get to test how far they’ve really come against an England Legends XI. It’s fair to say the Legends will be wanting to put the Ivory boys back in their place! Although there are no betting sites that are covering this game, there is sure to be keen interest from fans at the Victoria Ground.
The Great Football Experiment has seen Nivea For Men provide a struggling Sunday league team with the kind of training, equipment and expert advice usually only afforded to top pros. With mentoring and training provided by the likes of Terry Venables, Ray Wilkins and Ray Clemence, previously struggling Ivory FC are now flying high at the top of the Brentwood Sunday Football League.
You can see more details about the Great Football Experiment here: www.niveaformen.co.uk/football
We are backing Clive for Man of the Match and if he’s selected, one lucky White Hart Pain reader will get a great bundle of Nivea For Men products. I’ll choose a winner from anyone who submits a question for Clive in the comments here.
Follow me on Twitter @therealmabbs
Hi Clive,
You and Arsene Wenger don’t appear to be the best of friends. What is it you dislike most about the Arsenal manager?
Clive, my branch line runs through a small river valley in Suffolk and this morning I saw sitting in a bare tree by the river bank a small group of cormorants. I’ve always thought of cormorants as being sea and lake birds, but there are no bodies of open water ofr any size nearby at all. Can you explain this unusual sight?
Hi Clive,
Who would you rather toke doobies with? ‘Arry or BMJ?
wb.
TT.
Clive. I’m 27 and have never had a girlfriend. I look at my mates and they are definitely more attractive and more confident. I see how their lives are and think that that’s how mine could be if I weren’t so ugly and if I had more confidence.
I feel ready to start having relationships but I go to an all-boys school. I’m not friends with many girls and hardly ever meet new people. When I do, I go into panic mode, worrying about what they are going to think about me, because I’m so horrible to look at.
I want to change everything about me but I have no idea how to go about making these things in my life change. Can you offer me some advice.
I’m not sure this was such a good idea, Mabbs. Drug taking and British Flora and Fauna are not areas of Clive’s expertise. And this last letter is most suspicious (27 and still going to school?).
This project had better shape up or Clive is out of this deal.
Clive, me again.
Any idea where I can actually buy some smoke? This question is more important than my first. An answer to both would be appreciated though.
TT.
Hi Clive,
When does ‘no’ actually really mean ‘no’?
Clive,
Add 14 pills to that please and a g of horse. It’s still only two questions which need to be answered. One of them in time for this Friday night pls.
Cheers.
TT.
You have 12 snooker balls identical in size and appearance but 1 is an odd weight (could be either light or heavy).
You have a set of scales (balance) which will give 3 possible readings: Left = Right, Left is heavier than Right, and Right is heavier than Left.
You have only 3 chances to weigh the balls in any combination using the scales to determine which ball is the odd one and if it’s heavier or lighter than the rest.
How do you do it?
Clive, should I fake my orgasms?
Clive, what would you do if your son was at home, cryin’ all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he’s hungry, and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy’s gone, somewhere smokin’ rock now, in and out of lock down, I ain’t got a job now, so for you this is just a good time but for me this is what I call life, mmm
Clive who’s that O to the Z
Clive who’s that O to the Z
Clive who’s that O to the Z
Another bad man inside the party
Uh oh, there’s that O to the Zs
Uh oh, there’s that O to the Zs
Uh oh, there’s that O to the Zs
Clive, I forgot where we are dining tonight.
clive, is it still classed as rape if you shout “surprise” first ?
Clive, baby,
We’re still good for this yeah? Only there are a couple of “friends” counting on this and they don’t genrally like being let down? Nudge nudge wink wink. You knows exactly what I mean.
BBM me with where to meet. Soon pls.
TT.
Amazing
Din yiu fietur in the fergoie ther e sd?
Clive,
How do you think Spurs will cope if Harry takes the England job at the end of the season?
CLIVE, WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?
Orright dere Cloive.
I’ve always tought dat you’d be handy in the bedroom if you mind m’pardon.
So I’ll be ‘avinng none of dat fancy shoite.
Horse it up me, deres a good lad.
Clive, after going for a poo do you stand to wipe your arse or remain seated?
There once was a man called Clive,
In time he became fluent in jive,
Still not heard from you mate,
I need those drugs asap,
He favourite crisps being cheese and chive.
Get in touch ffs. You’re my hero after Glenn Hoddle, Ossie Ardiles, Chris Waddle, Pat Van Den Hauwe, Stuart Nethercott and Gary Mabbutt.
One bell me and I’ll call you back from a mates phone. Got no credit.
TT.
Hi Clive
Now we can talk all night about the weather, or I could tell you about my friends out on the coast. I could ask a lot of crazy questions, or I could ask what I really want to know.
If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Mr Clive reginald Hallen? We’re hinvestigatin’ certain hallegations pertainin’ to the supply of hillicit narcotics on the world wide hinternet.
We ‘ave reason to believe that you or your hassociates ‘ave been happroached by members of the general public to procure said hillicit substances, namely, a hunspecified number of ‘doobies’ or ‘smoke’ – which our sources lead us to believe is hunderground patois for marijuahana – 14 ‘pills’ of hundetermined varity, a ‘g’ of ‘horse’ – namely ‘erion, – and a bag of cheese and chive crisps, which are particularly nasty.
I am hafraid that I am goin’ to ‘ave to hask you to haccompany me up the station.
Hi clive,
Are you still pissed because you joined Arsenal and only got to sit on the bench before being flogged to spuds?
12 years on the bounce not 1 year but 12.
Keep talking shit lads 😆
That’s an interesting Goonerton. In fact, I was discussing this very subject in bed with your mum, just after I’d come all over her face and while she was eating out my ringpiece.
The answer, quite simply, is no. All due respect to Arsenal.
Tell your dad I’m sorry to hear about his cock dropping off. Perhaps it’s divine retribution for all those years of sticking it in your bum.
Cheers
Clive
Clive mate, we haven’t met but i feel as if you’re the sort of fella i could confide in.
a friend has basically just cunted me off on another forum and disallowed my avian-based jokes after consulting with the video ref.
i can’t decide whether to sigh, give a wry grin, shrug and get on with it
or sprint up to him with all my mates, face puce, veins and eyes bulging, screaming ‘you fucking cunt! you fucking cunt! i’ll rape your children for this! you cunt! i’ll kill you!’ as my spittle flecks his face.
anyway my question is, why the hell do you think that nice mr.wenger should shake your whithered hand? do you think he even knows who you are?
Clive….How did you whither your hand…..?
Does it impede you in any way?
Goonerton, 5pm Friday night. Chessington World of Adventures. I will fuck you UP, blud. This isn’t a joke. You better be there.
Clive, i have a question that’s been bothering me for a while now.
What’s blue, and fucks old aged pensioners?
Withered hand?
You’ll be hearing from my copyright enforcement attourney in the morning.
…or whenever he’s sorted out his avian-based humour dispute.
Uh oh dibble.
Keep schtum Clive about the carpet rugs yeah and give me a fucking call for fucks fucking sake. We’re off to Fabric tomorrow for a drum n bass session and need your party prescription. Call me you bender.
Fuck you very much.
TT.
Feds, Bro. This mug TT has led them straight here. Stow the bundles and get the fuck out, C-Man. Fucking Pronto.
Clive
Parker or Adebayor?
It’s Adebayor, isn’t it?
Thanks
PS As most influential Spurs signing this year, not who might be the best to provide of a couple of grams of bugle (although the answer’s probably the same, I’d imagine)
I’m not wearing any trousers.
And these bitches are blowing up my pager.
Clive,
I’ve heard that Anonybabermous is a monumental cunt, who know’s very little about the game itself but get’s away with it by virtue of being very pretty.
As that option’s not open to you, do you give or receive?
Dear Clive
Is the “Nivea For Men Great Football Experiment” an experiment to test whether Nivea acts sufficiently well in the changing room as an anal sex lubricant?
I’m interested.
Thanks
J
Clive,
You cunt.
You are the most unreliable footballer cum (hehe) drug dealer ever. No wonder that wanker wont shake your hand. You’re fucking useless. I wouldn’t shake your hand either.
If you are going to sell drugs than you have to be better. It’s no good going on about scoring 49 goals in a season if you can’t even get ketamine. You’ve let a lot of people down. Namely me and my mate and some big guy who is going to break my hand for not sorting him out.
Cheers for that Clive.
TT
PS You’re now behind Alan Hutton in my list of fave Tottenham players.
Onde está Maddie, Clive?
Have you had the experience of TomTom blowing the fuse for the car charger plug in?
I replaced the fuse with a heavier duty one after the first instance but now it’s blown that one after just a few uses. Of course both TomTom and Halfords where I bought it don’t want to know, and now I don’t know what to do.
I’m driving a 99 Ford Focus, if that matters.
Clive.
I’m the chairman of a well known, let’s call it a business, and one of my, let’s call him an employee, is currently working with us on temporary secondment from a competitor,
He’s doing really very well for us and we’d like to make the transfer permanent. However his current wages are something of a sticking point. He’s paid very much over the odds for the … er …industry because the competitor is owned by a bunch of fucking Arabs with more money than sense.
Anyway, we don’t pay badly at my …er company, and we can give the fella a decent living, but he’s now telling us that all the money he’s earning over the top he donates to starving Africans.
Now, I don’t want to call him a liar but I strongly suspect that the extent of his humanitarian largesse is somewhat exaggerated. Sure, he probably sends them any remains from his KFC Family Feast Bucket but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t drop them anything like 70k a week, for fuck’s sake.
The long and short is that I’m going to look like a right tight cunt if I refuse to feed the fucking world, and I’m particularly sensitive because of being of a socio-religious group which is commonly pilloried for tight-fistedness
Anyway, any thoughts would help.
Shalom
Dan
Clive mate,
Sorry for the late notice but me and Viv have got asked to a pool party in Gran Canaria over the weekend: banging tunes, copious booze, loads of titty & ass, and anythng goes, apparently.
So, sorry, but you’re going to be a couple of players light.
I’m glad Luther & Viv have broken ranks because I have to tell you that I’d forgot I’d promised to take the missus over to that new Westfield shopping centre at Stratford this weekend.
It’d be more than my life’s worth to let the little lady down. You know how it is.
Sorry, Clive
OMG it’s Daniel Levy.
I wouldn’t bother asking this joker anything folks. He won’t respond. WILL YOU CLIVE? YOU WONT REPSOND WILL YOU? WHAT’S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM? ANSWER ME YOU SHIT.
You’ve got one more chance. I’ll be on the High Road at 6:30. I want you to bring me a bag of fucking drugs so that I can get spannered out of my fucking head while skanking it big time to some wobbly dubstep.
Be there or be a dick.
TT.
PS. My Blackberry isn’t working (fucking Blackberry piss me right off) Skype me to confirm.
Is the game off?
Tell me, mate. I could have always done a lot better any weekend than hanging around pikey shit Dagenham playing fucking pub football.
Seriously, call me.
T
FFS Clive. I can’t believe my name’s even up there! You asked me, casual as you like, probably nine months ago, whether I might help out, but never gave me a date or any details, so there wasn’t even anything for me to say yes to.
As it is, I’m in Chester anyway, helping my brother-in-law lay some floorboarding.
Hi Clive,
I’m pretty skint mate. Any chance of a lift to the game?
Cheers,
Ginge.
I see Walshy’s at it again. You were only any good as a sub anyway you long haired tit.
Alright Clive,
I’m up for the game although my skin is more pale than it was in my playing days. The wife said it’s like riding a ghost in the bedroom. Lot of people think it might be cancer.
Anyways. I’ll be down for the game wearing a high viz vest.
Cheers,
Mark.
YOU GUYS!!!
😛
(NOW will you like me? PLEASE.)
Seriously Clive, what do I have to do to get out of this event?
Gary, we know you’re a bummer. We’re going to print the story anyway, so it’s in your interests to give us the exclusive.
…Gary?
…Gary…
srsly tircky mate, what’s he ever done to you?